Is It Okay to Be a Christian and Be Gay?

Is it a sin for one to be a Christian and to be gay? Should a person with same-sex attraction be single, or is it okay to be in a committed relationship?

A couple of years ago, someone messaged me on Facebook and asked, “Is it a sin for one to be a Christian and to be gay? Should a person with same-sex attraction be single, or is it okay to be in a committed relationship?”

Here is my response, lightly edited and revised: 

Those are good questions about sensitive things. Whenever I approach issues of sexual ethics, I like to zoom out a bit before answering the "Is (x) a sin?" question. 

God's will for all Christians in matters of sexuality is this: "Indeed, this is God's will: that you be sanctified, namely, that you keep yourselves away from sexual immorality" (1 Thess. 4). Sexual immorality comes in a number of forms, and God would have us abstain from all of them.

It’s important to set forth that Christians are being renewed in the image of Christ. It is a renovation of the heart and mind to be like Christ. That works its ways down to our desires, even our sexual desires. That is a process that continues until we die. Some people make quick progress, others slow progress. It seems to be different for everyone. 

God puts it in our hearts to desire companionship, and when the fall strikes us in such a way that it compromises our sexual orientation, it is a true grief.

All of that said, the question about same-sex attraction is, "If my desires were totally conformed to the image of Christ and the will of God, would I have same-sex attraction?" The answer is no. God designed sexual attraction to be between men and women, and to be enjoyed exclusively in marriage between them (Gen. 3, Matt. 19). Every mention in the Bible of homosexuality condemns it, from early mentions in Genesis, through Leviticus, and into the New Testament epistles (especially Romans 1). Scripture speaks with a unified voice on the topic. And when you consider the purpose of God's design of men and women (procreation, and to picture Christ and the church, his bride), homosexual relationships are unintelligible for those purposes. 

These truths don’t necessarily take the edge off of the difficult burden that many Christians with same-sex attractions carry. God puts it in our hearts to desire companionship, and when the fall strikes us in such a way that it compromises our sexual orientation, it is a true grief. And while some have seen enough renewal in this area to have entered into heterosexual union gladly, others have not seen as much; and for them, the idea of entering into marriage without desire for their spouse is unbearable—or even irresponsible. But also, just because someone experiences temptation toward same-sex attraction, it doesn’t mean they should discount the benefits that marriage could hold for them. We affirm with God, “It is not good for man to be alone,” and the mere existence of same-sex attraction does not preclude this being true—just as heterosexual lusts don’t necessarily preclude someone from marrying. Entering into this process should be done with pastoral guidance and with complete openness and honesty with the potential spouse. 

Same-sex attracted Christians who are struggling with their sin are welcome to the table just like everyone else, because we need the table for exactly this reason—spiritual nourishment to seek Christ and to be conformed to him. 

A Christian with same-sex attraction may also carry the burden of feeling out of place in the church. The church has done an excellent job of celebrating marriage (as it should), but it has not done as well celebrating singleness and embracing singles as equal partners in the gospel. It has seemed to me that an unintended subtext of our messages about marriage is that a person is incomplete apart from it. Yet Jesus was single. He was a whole person, delighting in the joy of God and relationship with him. God’s children can do a better job of gathering together across marriage/family statuses: couples inviting over singles, young families inviting over widows, older couples engaging with young singles, and so on—even singles inviting over families! Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families,” and the more this is realized in our local assemblies, the easier the burden of loneliness will be for singles. 

Although renewal is the de facto course and trajectory of the Christian life, same-sex attraction may not (probably won’t) instantly disappear after you become Christian, just like my own sinful sexual desires haven’t (although by God’s grace, I’ve seen great progress). However, there is a promise that someday, they will: if you are in Christ, eventually the whole old person will finally waste away, and you will be fully alive in the image of Christ. That journey begins even now. Same-sex attracted Christians who are struggling with their sin are welcome to the table just like everyone else, because we need the table for exactly this reason—spiritual nourishment to seek Christ and to be conformed to him. 

If someone is indulging in sexual immorality (whether homosexuality or not), that person is not walking in repentance, which the Bible commands. All Christians should be repenting continually of all desires that are out of sorts with our calling. This is hard for all Christians, no matter their sexual orientation! Merely having same-sex attraction does not mean you cannot be a Christian, any more than my lusting after women who aren't my wife would; but we should both be repenting. God calls us to it. It's a journey, and he has patience and grace for us. 

So, the faithful response of a Christian struggling with same-sex attraction is to seek sexual purity, not only in actions but even in desires (much harder), and to hold onto the hope and promise of God that someday, your affections really will be transformed. 

Now that I’ve given some rationale, here are my plain answers to your questions:

“Is it a sin for one to be a Christian and to be gay?”

It is a sin to do what God forbids. God forbids homosexual desire and practice. A Christian is someone who believes in Christ, embraces God’s lordship, and walks in faith and repentance—one who seeks to do God’s will. And so a Christian repents of sin, including homosexual desire and practice. 

For this reason, a Christian should not refer to himself as gay. Homosexual desire is part of the old self, and a Christian is the new self. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:17). While it may be descriptively true of you to say you have same-sex attractions, it is not a defining characteristic. If you are a Christian, I urge you not to say, “I am gay.” Learn to say, “I am a Christian, and I am waging war in the Spirit against my same-sex attractions.” Do not define yourself by your old self (Col. 3:1–17).

“Should a person with same-sex attraction be single, or is it okay to be in a committed relationship?” 

A person with same-sex attraction is free to be in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but not someone of the same sex. Of course, one with a background of same-sex attraction should be careful about entering into a heterosexual union. (By the way, I would say the same of someone with a history of pornography addiction.) He should pursue much counsel from church leadership and should be open and honest with himself and his potential spouse.