Counsel for the Unequally Yoked
If you have to choose between Christ and your spouse, the choice must be Christ. Christians should be committed to marriage but not yield their identity to it.
One of the great challenges in Christian ethics is giving appropriate attention to both the “blueprint” of the Christian life (what we might call the normal pattern) as well as the many exceptions that people find themselves in as followers of Christ. In the case of family life, it is good for the church to have a healthy vision for Christian marriage and childrearing. But often, people will find themselves in a situation that doesn’t match the blueprint. Christ is gracious to such people, as should be his Bride.
An example is the (painful) situation of a Christian married to an unbeliever. There can be a number of reasons people find themselves in this situation. Maybe they get married during a spiritual low point in their lives. Maybe they come to know Christ after they are married, but their spouse doesn’t follow suit. Maybe they thought they could convert their spouse, but that proved to not be the case. Maybe their spouse denies Christ some way into the marriage. Or maybe it was flat-out disobedience, and knowing the instructions of God’s Word, they still followed their desires.
In any of these situations, being unequally yoked becomes an experience of hardship for the believer in the marriage (and also sometimes for the unbeliever). A Christian isn’t able to share the most important thing in her life with her spouse. She must either keep God at the center of her life (and therefore her spouse somewhat on the margins) or put her spouse at the center and God in the margins. Even when a Christian faithfully follows the first option, there is real loss and sadness.
Faith can also become a real source of conflict. The apostle Paul recognizes that the Christian faith demands a person’s ultimate loyalty to such a strong degree that it can cause the unbelieving spouse to want a divorce. “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so” (1 Cor. 7:15). What he is saying is that, if you have to choose between Christ and your spouse, the choice must be Christ. Christians should be committed to marriage but not yield their identity to it.
I’ve known numerous unequally yoked Christians, and because of this pain and conflict, they have all communicated to me, “A Christian should absolutely marry another Christian. Don’t assume you can save your spouse. And don’t take lightly how big a deal your faith is in a marriage.”
If you are unequally yoked, you may find some encouragement to know that the God of the Bible does not ignore you. Though he clearly states that Christians should only marry in the Lord (1 Cor. 7:39), many unequally yoked people appear in the Bible (both foolish and righteous ones). It is a situation God sees and recognizes and speaks into.
God who has been where you are. He has waited not years, not decades, but centuries for his bride to turn to him in faith.
My sense in the Scriptures, though, is that the Bible tends to give more warnings to men about marrying unbelieving women and more instructions for women married to unbelieving men. Maybe that tends to be more normal. That is why the thoughts below follow that pattern. But I have certainly known both men and women in this situation for a variety of reasons, and so the warnings and instructions have application for both genders.
Warnings for Unequally Yoked Men
A common theme in the first book of the Bible, Genesis, is men of God’s people taking unbelieving wives and faithful men refusing to do so (Gen. 6:2; 24:2-3; 26:34-35; 28:6-9; 36:1-3). For example, of Judah, the great ancestor of our Lord, it says, “Judah saw the daughter of a certain Canaanite whose name was Shua. He took her and went in to her . . . ” (Gen. 38:2). This sin revealed Judah’s spiritual condition at this time of life. (He would later have an awakening and become the leader of his family; see Gen. 38:26, 49:8.) Similarly, intermarrying with the Moabites in the time of Moses brought disaster for the Israelites and led them into idol worship. All of these stories are repeated warnings to God’s people to only marry from within the covenant family.
But likely the most famous example of an unequally yoked man is King Solomon: “For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father” (1 Kings 11:4). Outside of Jesus, Solomon was likely the wisest man who ever lived, and still his pagan wives had a powerful and adverse spiritual effect on him.
For whatever reason, it is difficult for a man to take a biblical stance when his wife stands against it. One author recently wrote in an article about pastors, “Let's be honest: Most pastors today are scared. They are scared of losing their congregations. They are scared of offending people, especially women.” I had not heard anyone say so frankly the courage it takes for a man to disagree with a woman. But I think a similar fear exists in husbands. Hence, Proverbs advises young men, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels” (Prov. 31:10).
So, the warning is this: first and foremost, a man must not be like Solomon and knowingly yoke himself to an unbelieving wife. In doing so, he creates his own spiritual peril. And secondly, if a man finds himself unequally yoked with an unbelieving wife, he must resolve to remain faithful to the Lord, aware of the temptations he will face. He must love his wife as a Christian, provide for her, and do all that he can to show her the love of Christ.
With little instruction from the Bible, he also might be able to glean from the instructions given to the wives of non-Christian men.
Instructions for Unequally Yoked Women
In the Scriptures, there are numerous accounts of women who are married to unbelieving husbands, and several of them are righteous—Abigail (1 Sam. 25), Esther, and Timothy’s mother (Acts 16:1).
In fact, one of the few passages in the Bible directed toward wives is explicitly giving instructions to women who are unequally yoked. After a powerful description of Jesus’s work for us on the cross, Peter compares the wife of an unbeliever to Christ:
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (1 Pet. 3:1-6; emphasis added)
These words carry the most weight when they are read with the words immediately before, about Christ. Basically, Peter is saying, “As Christ has loved you in bearing the cross, he now calls you to take up your cross and follow him by graciously loving your disobedient husband.” He also recognizes the courage this will take, saying “Do not fear anything.”
Your marriage is not devoid of spiritual opportunity; it is ripe with it.
It's not that Peter is indifferent about marriage—certainly, he recognizes that Christians are to marry Christians and that unequally yoked unions are a grief. But he also empowers a woman caught in such a marriage with a calling and mission: love your husband like Christ. That is, he gives her something to do beyond persevere; he gives her a holy calling: win her husband by her conduct. In this way, he encourages a woman in a difficult marriage. (I’ll expand on God’s purposes in these situations more below.)
Another factor that makes the situation difficult is the challenge of raising children in the Lord. Fathers do have a profound impact on the spiritual lives of their children, and when they are unengaged in church life, it can feel like an uphill battle for mom. But again, the Scriptures offer words of hope, assuring unequally yoked women that God sees them and hears their prayers. A great leader of the early church, Timothy, had a believing mother and an unbelieving father (Acts 16:1), and that did not prevent God’s great work in his life. The apostle Paul became a spiritual father to him (1 Cor. 4:17; 1 Tim. 1:2). That may be a prayer for believing moms: “Lord, bring spiritual fathers into my child’s life.” Being involved in a church and home groups provides an avenue for this. And men in the church should be mindful of the impact they can have on young people whose parents are not believers. I know when I first became a believer as a teen, Christian adults played a substantial role in my spiritual growth.
But Timothy’s mother (and his grandmother) knew that, ultimately, the power to form faith in a young man comes from the Holy Spirit speaking through the Bible. Paul writes:
I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well. (2 Tim. 1:5)
But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. (2 Tim. 3:14-15)
Timothy’s training as one of the pillars of the early church began in his youth, when the Scriptures were read and discussed with his mother and grandmother. A believing mother cannot underestimate the power of reading the Bible to her children throughout their childhood.
Moms who are discipling their children without their husband's help should be encouraged that many women have been in their shoes throughout church history. The great Augustine was brought to the faith by his mother Monica, whom he loved dearly.
Resolve: First Things First
For both the husband or wife who is unequally yoked, ultimately, the most important thing is loyalty to the Lord. This means obedience to God’s Word and steady involvement in a faithful local church. That spiritual community is essential to find mentorship and encouragement through what may be a long haul, waiting for the Spirit to work in your spouse.
After that, Lee and Leslie Strobel, in their book Spiritual Mismatch, wisely urge that you make your spouse the number one human being in your life. By doing this, you find in your current marriage innumerable ways to serve, obey, and honor the Lord by showing the love of Christ to your unbelieving spouse. God has still given instructions about marriage and relationships. Your marriage is not devoid of spiritual opportunity; it is ripe with it.
One of the most important spiritual disciplines in this marriage is thanksgiving. As challenging as the pain of being unequally yoked is, there are often still many things for which to give God thanks. This gratitude to God is an essential component of your prayers for your spouse. Don’t miss that small clause in the apostle’s teaching on prayer:
Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:5-7; emphasis added)
The Lord has sent his common grace and blessing on the believing and unbelieving alike. Many non-Christians sacrifice for their families, love their spouses, and have numerous worthy qualities. Thanksgiving helps the heart of the believing spouse to experience God’s presence and blessing. It also opens your eyes to see where God is already at work in your spouse.
Secondary Conversions in the Early Church
Maybe the lesson from both the warnings for unequally yoked men and instructions for unequally yoked women is that women have a profound impact on the spiritual lives of their husbands, for good or ill. Adam listened to the voice of his wife in his rebellion against God in the garden of Eden. Adam is ultimately responsible (Rom. 5:19), but he was influenced by his wife.
On the other hand, women can just as much be a force for good. Rodney Stark, a historian who has studied the growth of Christianity in the Roman Empire during the time of the early Church, devotes a whole chapter of The Rise of Christianity to the role of women in the early church and gives attention to what he calls “secondary conversions.” These were women who came to faith first and then, through their faithful love, brought their husbands into the kingdom. Here is one quote:
Secondary conversion is more passive and involves somewhat reluctant acceptance of a faith on the basis of attachments to a primary convert. For example, after person A converted to a new faith, that person’s spouse agreed to “go along” with the choice, but was not eager to do so and very likely would not have done so otherwise. The latter is a secondary convert. In the example offered by Chadwick, upper-class wives were often primary converts and some of their husbands (often grudgingly) became secondary converts. Indeed, it frequently occurred that when the master of a large household became a Christian, all members of the house including the servants and slaves were expected to do so too . . . The ancient sources and modern historians agree that primary conversion to Christianity was far more prevalent among females than among males. (p. 100)
Stark goes on to point out that this trend has been noted in the modern world as well: “David Martin (1990) suggests that a substantial proportion of the male Protestants in Latin America are secondary converts” (p. 100).
The apostle Paul gives some rationale for this phenomenon. In the passage quoted above, he makes this incredibly encouraging statement to the unequally yoked: “For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy” (1 Cor. 7:14).
What tremendous promises for both the spouse and the children. This verse should be a regular source of prayer for the unequally yoked: “Lord, you have said that my husband/wife is holy—that means, devoted to you. May his/her life and heart now reflect what your Word says is true.”
YHWH Was Married to an Unbelieving Spouse
The often long and confusing experience of being unequally yoked can bring much sadness and disappointment. You might wonder, “Is God hearing my prayers?” Though we generally don’t know what God’s purposes, plans, and timing are, the Bible assures us in thousands of ways that he is with us.
One way that the Lord is with the unequally yoked is that he himself has been married to an unbelieving spouse. YHWH had bound himself to his people by covenant. Israel in the Old Testament had many seasons of chasing after false gods and not trusting in the Lord. He patiently waited for his bride, Israel, to turn to him:
How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart recoils within me;
my compassion grows warm and tender. (Hos. 11:8)
If you are unequally yoked, ultimately, the greatest gift the Scriptures can give you is reason to trust in the God who has been where you are. He has waited not years, not decades, but centuries for his bride to turn to him in faith. He ultimately went to the cross to die for her unbelief. May the God who has been faithful to you in your own unbelief be your strength and encouragement as you follow Christ in this calling.
